i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
