No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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