I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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