We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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