Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I've blown a few things in my day
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
