If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
