you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
