The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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