He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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