Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
