just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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