when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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