If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
