I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Randomize
