My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
