My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
