So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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