he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
