Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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