theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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