My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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