I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
