before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I have fence marks all over my body
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
