He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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