Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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