I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy