I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
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just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
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Are we still banned from the library?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good