We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
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so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
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Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.