just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
