I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
