he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
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I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
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Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
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