i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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