Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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