My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
you would pick up someone in the library
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
