you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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