He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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