no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
