I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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