i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
