I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
