you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
