I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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