very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.