My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?