he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot