Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Randomize
