youre lurking in front of me
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé