You're so nebulous sometimes
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
