Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
