the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You ate ashes out of my bong
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
