Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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