moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
