At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
