Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
