somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
