it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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