I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
