I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
