I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
This baby is an asshole
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize