i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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