YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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