If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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